false alarm. still invincible.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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