burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
