Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
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so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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