Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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