I'll bet she douches with gravy.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
