Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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