Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
