Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
