The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
