why do cheetos always look like penises
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
