i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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