I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
