Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
