The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
