Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
