Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
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But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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