I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
