Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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