my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Are my feet made of real feet?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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