Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize