pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
