U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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