I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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