I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
