Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
