my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
