just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
