**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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