She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
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Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
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She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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