she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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