I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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