the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
