she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
