I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
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Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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