If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
