At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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