So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
