Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
