She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
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So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
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Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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