Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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