You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
