if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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