What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
