Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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