i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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