You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
