i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
