call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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