literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
