I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
