this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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