It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
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What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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