Say something about gay babies.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
