So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
His hands were made for my vagina.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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